Weekly Oasis: It's not my imagination anymore

Where do I start?! I haven't posted in MONTHS. Honestly? I kind of lost myself. I went from a job that I absolutely loved (doing make up fast paced on my feet) to sitting behind a desk for 8 hours, my grandmother passed away :( and moved in with my grandpa for two and a half months, I quit smoking (yay me!!!!) but I packed on the pounds because of it (boo me!!) Soooo you can see where I kind of lost myself BUT I think I'm back.


Big news . . . I'm going to Puerto Rico. Why you ask? I had the time off work because of my yearly Atlanta trip that got cancelled and a free airline ticket. I was at work at I saw a postcard for San Juan on a coworkers desk she mentioned a rainforest and I was sold! Then came everyone else's opinion lol. What sucks its all extreme opposites. I spoke to a customer today ( Pause. I forgot to mention I now work for a large insurance company and I do customer service. Fun times) Back to the customer. The guy was raving about where to go and to not miss a thing. Only a few hours later Im listening to a friend tell me that I have to be careful about being kidnapped by a Pitbull wanna be?!

Here's the thing. I know I can go alone and I know I'm going to be ok. I just kind of needed to hear it from my father. This is a big girl step. I haven't taken any big girl steps in 5 years. I know he would have been proud, put some cash in my palm and said to have fun for the both of us. I'm scared though. Not of what can happen to me but of what I'm becoming. Dare I say an adult? I put my life on pause for the last five years and did everything for everyone else so that I didn't have to do anything for myself.

I had an epiphany a few weeks ago. Every year when June first came around I did something to myself, not for myself. First year I cut my hair, donated it and got a nose ring. Second year I got my tattoo of my fathers name. Year three I put blond streaks in my hair and colored it red. I kind of don't remember what I did last year at the moment. Any way come this year I was just lost. Like that security blanket was all used up and nothing was left. I couldn't change my outside anymore to hide the pain. It was time for change and it was change from the inside. That's why I'm scared. I haven't had to face change for five years. Now its staring me in the face.

I know I can do it. I know he's here watching over me. I just needed to hear it. But I'm a big girl now. Looking at that picture it's not my imagination anymore. It's real. I'm going to that island in two weeks. And damn it I'm going to be a woman an adult and I will enjoy every last second of it! Wish me luck